shet.

i am in big trouble. confused. dazed.

i have no excuse for such an unforgiveable behavior.

i now have the guy whom i waited for half a year. he could still move me to pieces. intellectual stimulation - that's how you call it. he is still the same prick that i know... the same prick that i always liked. i couldn't say no to him. he has this power over me that allows him to toy me anytime and i let him get away with it.

then comes this guy whom i couldn't avoid falling for. but im afraid of getting hurt again, of falling so deep that i couldn't stand up after voluntarily digging my own pile of shit. i know my friends will say that loving is all about taking risks and keeping on trying until you find the "one". but hell, maybe i am not a risk taker afterall.

and now i convince myself to settle for the jerk. to settle for something short lived and just shrug it off the shoulders when it ends. i can't handle another actual major heartbreak.

but why do i feel so bad now?

maybe im not confused nor dazed. maybe im simply weak. and a shitty coward.