devastated would be an understatement to describe what i feel right now.
who would have thought that my life would turn around three hundred sixty degrees in less than a week's time?
on monday i felt like spending the rest of my life with one person whom i didn't know for a long time but felt like he is indeed 'the one'. you could feel it, right?
on tuesday, i thought i was spotting giving me some fears that i was preggers.
on wednesday he moved in to my place.
by thursday i thought that we were invincible. we may be uncertain of the future. we're both contract workers in a foreign land and who knows what will come after our contracts expire? but we are one hundred percent sure that we got each other. and that's what matters.
then friday, i got the most unexpected call. it was from his sister. i was informed that he's legally married and has a more than a year old daughter, whose name is the same as my nickname! shit. how can that happen? he's too young! i've been fooled all along. i always thought that i would lead a simple life. i'd work my ass off, meet a boyfriend, get married, have children, grow old and die. no complications. this is so much more than a telenovela! i never pictured a life with traumatic situations. one person can only take so much! i am not a bad person. i didn't do anything wrong to get all these bloody karmas.
why me? do i have a mark on my forehead that says "jerks welcome"? no, make that "married jerks welcome". no, scrap that again. make that "married lying jerks welcome".
he said that it's a 'pikot' case. they still do shotgun marriages these days? bloody hell. the family of the girl happened to be influential and it would be a disgrace to their clan if she becomes an unwed mother. so my (ex)bf married her before coming to hk. how convenient?! they don't love each other, according to what i was told. but b sends money for the baby every month.
it was raining im sorry's last night and they didn't lessen the pain. not a single bit. im not sure if i could accept an mutually separated guy if you ask me now. one thing's for certain though: lying to the person you love is just plain unforgiveable. i would never do that. or did he love me to begin with?
but the heck, im a masochist. he sleeps in the other room. he's got nowhere to go. have i said that im a masochist?
deja vu? lying? cheating? living with ex's? im back to 2004!
6 comments:
dont know what to say...
kung kailangan mo ng kausap dto lng kami...
blossom...
how are you? are you ok?
let's talk sometime, girl
*huuuggg*
i'm just here if you need me
take care, gurl
Powerful women attract the full spectrum of the male species, from the dregs of society to the jerks to the men with the Messianic complexes and to the princes. Disempowered women tend to attract the princes and the men with Messianic complexes because their mission in life (and it helps their egos, too) is to help the damsel in distress.
Powerful women, on the other hand, can take care of themselves and to an extent, when their maternal instincts are tapped, can also take care of both thug and jerk-types. It makes sense, in a business equity sort of way.
The trick is in knowing the category to which one belongs. :)
How did this conclusion come about? I was thinking about something my ex-best friend had hinted: that I wasn't fulfilling my "potential" because I was not making myself busy enough at cultivating my career--and therefore, DISEMPOWERED by marriage and motherhood. What she doesn't understand is that I HATE FAILURE - I HATE GETTING INTO PROJECTS THAT I CAN'T FINISH OR THAT I WOULD ONLY DO HALF-HEARTEDLY. A career is a project; the opportunities for such a project are not the right ones for me at this stage, but the right ones for my partner. So would it be wise to complicate our affairs with the cultivation of one's career for the sole reason that I'm not fulfilling my potential RIGHT NOW?
I think we know the answer to the question, and what happens when people do things rashly and half-thought.
The funny thing is that I almost believed her.
Good luck with the next few months. I'm sending a thought out to the universe for you.
To end, here's something from Rainier Maria Rilke's _Letters to a Young Poet_:
"How should we be able to forget those ancient myths that are at the beginning of all peoples, the myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.
So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloudshadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall."
it's crazy sometimes you think that you know someone...that you can trust someone...and in the end everything you thought you saw vanishes...
just stick to your guns and do what you feel is right...
Blossom,
I'm so sorry to hear this. I know you may not like what I'm about to say -- but please get out of that relationship! It's hard but you can do it one step at a time. Start by not letting him live with you. If he's man enough to get married and have a child, looking for a room/flat shouldn't be too hard. And If he's ashamed of what he did to you, he should've left by now already and started to sort out his 'situation'.
It's not like he lied to you about having a third nipple, it's that he's MARRIED. Also, it's very unfair to you because he did one of those careless men tricks -- he let you fall in love first without putting all the cards on the table. If he had told you he was married from the start, you could've stopped any feelings from growing. It's hard to just walk away, but you definitely CAN. It's just easier if he's not around while you do it.
The only encouragement I can give you is that I know you can do it. You can take care of yourself, pick yourself up and be happy. A much better man will come along. Or, if he really loves you and you love him enough to forgive him, he should clean up his mess (like get an annulment) before being with you.
Good luck.
Post a Comment