rollercoaster life i got

hey. i am officially a mistress. in every sense of the word - legally speaking.

being a feminist that i am, i am fighting this fight not only because i love b dearly. it is also a fight against ignorance and forced marriage. yes i know he did lie. but when i look into his eyes, i could see that he loves me more than anything. i could feel that he loved me truly. the fact about the wife and the baby is really a significant information but i see it as a past that just keeps on haunting him. i may not know him back then but i could imagine it to be dark and messy. and i know that it is pretty accurate. he has changed, and im glad to be one of the factors for his new life. but i guess there's really karma. just when he was consciously wasting his life, he'd find the girl for him.

b said that there's hope that the marriage could not have been filed - like a 1% chance. i hung on to that uber slim chance since there was not much i could do. and i was hoping that the girl's family would realize that marriage is not the answer. it never is. i may not believe (or perhaps more of 'afraid to believe') in marriage but i know that once you dive into it you better be 100% sure. i know a lot of friends who have failed marriages. they're blaming the institution when they hadn't been sure why they tied the knot in the first place. b can still support the baby if it is really his, but the girl's family would have some sense to think that their daughter can start anew with another guy who would give her the love that she deserves no matter how shitty her life had been. i don't feel remorse for the girl. well i don't think i have the right to feel that to begin with. but i pity her so much that she was made to believe that her life ended because of an accident. i know she's got a lot of potential to grow as a person, even if she's an unwed mother. but this bloody tradition of saving the clan's reputation is plain stupid, if not completely wrong.

my bestfriend had some contacts with the national statistics office and she was able to check if the marriage was really filed. unfortunately (in my point of view), it was filed. the date was july 12, 2006. my world shattered completely after i found out. i was running out of breath that i couldn't hear my boss who was scolding me at the time. the pain is too much to bear. this is like getting rejected by your dream job times ten. prior to that i kept telling myself that i would distance myself from him if it's confirmed. that's the sign, right? i swear that i really tried. i ignored his calls a couple of times but after that i acted sweeter than ever. he didn't even have to say sorry, fall down to his knees or take some slap. i saw him a couple of hours later and i could feel that force that draws me into him. and i gave in. call it weakness, lust, or however you call it. i call it love.

whenever my friends have relationship problems, i always ask them to get out of it. if it has gotten to the point of losing respect for oneself, then it is not love to begin with. i have to agree with them now that it is easier said than done. it's a whole lot different story once you put yourself into the confused person's shoes. i have always been a fighter and i don't see any reason why i should stop fighting now. i haven't felt so light and i owe it to him. marriage dissolution could take forever. i don't even know if we're ending up together. but i know that if i don't hold on now and exhaust everything i could give, i'd regret it in the future. i don't want to look back feeling sorry that i hadn't given my all.

we're still together in the house. the trust factor has been slighted, naturally. things will never be the same. but who knows, maybe things would be better. no one knows about the future. if given the choice between what is right and what is legally wrong but could make me happy, i'd choose the latter in a heartbeat. like what i told my bestfriend, i could be lonely now or two months from now when he goes back to the philippines. why do i have to agonise now when i still have time to be happy? i deserve to be happy, and i call that respecting myself. i don't have to be hypocritical about it.

he's talking to a lawyer about the annulment. he better move fast. i may be a fighter, but i was never good at waiting. and oh, make me a glass of pure orange juice every morning. woosh!!