bad habit that's hard to break

i have one bad habit that i couldn't manage to change. i was brought up this way by my parents. we are a family of freak planners. and i mean planning so much about the future that we get stuck on that stage and we forget about the present.

my father buys a lottery ticket and we plan right away on how to spend the jackpot prize - we plan that we will buy a house lot in forbes village and buy three cars and establish a grocery business. i plan as early as october on the things that i will buy after holiday season upon receiving my christmas gifts. i plan on how to brag to my relatives the achievements on january when graduation takes place three months later.

you see, i was brought up as a freak. we were taught (excessively) to be positive at all times. there is nothing wrong in dreaming, but there comes a point when it gets a bit disadavantageous.

let me share the recent planning that i have done in my one and a half year stay in hk. background: im too desperate to get into a relationship. i cant give any other reason. oh, and these all happened in my head. come to think of it, i could be a cheesy movie writer afterall.

tt-the crushee boss
as you may read from my previous posts, i have already planned how we will hide our supposed relationship in the office. i see myself excusing from the office lunch and he will follow at my apartment discreetly. and when im too busy, i will say "tt, not now, im working" (in my serious-yet-if-you-know-how-to-push-the-right-button-ill-spread-my-legs-now voice) when he tries to tease me by playing with my hair when im seriously working on my laptop (i dont even have a laptop!). and i imagined that i will charm his 'rents with my pinoy ways so they can accept that their son loves me, a non-chinese.
what actually happened: he never found out. he's now in macau working for an airline company and he goes to hk every weekend to see his chinese gf.

aj1981
i met aj1981 at pinoyexchange. he is one of the most accommodating persons in the pinoy at hk thread. and im sure that he was born in 1981. just the perfect age for me! i emailed him a couple of times and we agreed to meet up. it was the first most realistic kilig feeling. my fantasies with my boss are, to say, just fantasies. but with aj1981 i actually thought that something could come out of it. we agreed to communicate through our mobile phones but the lines are so bad that we resorted to emailing instead. and he said that i better try to call him next time instead of the other way around because "it's not proper".. i was like, how can it be improper?
what actually happened? aj1981 is a girl! darn! but she's my good friend now. when im too stressed out at my life in hk, i go to her place in macau to get that sense of belongingness. her family is like my foster family.

beaverman
he's another guy i met at pinoyexchange. i wouldn't make the same mistake with aj1981. and this is really a good prospect because he would be most likely a guy deriving from his username. he was inquiring about the cost of living in hk and i gladly replied to all his queries - something i don't usually do. i have never been a good source of information especially to strangers, but i was really determined to make this guy mine, even if i had yet to meet him in person. even if we're just emailing at that time , i could already see how i will tell our future grandchildren how i and their grandfather fell in love. i will tell them that i loved their lolo beaverman even before i had seen him! (pota, i just realized now how cliche my fantasies were!) wouldn't it be nice to tell them that you could feel right away that this person is the "one" for you? the feeling was so strong at that time, and i could feel that this could be really "it". it felt like one of those days when you cheerfully wake up and you just know that it could be the best day of your life.
what actually happened: we became very good friends. he's like my first real male bestfriend in hk. we like the same stuff and we never run out of things to say. he has a gf in pinas. some people ask me why we never ended up together (how come they don't ask him instead?). i forgot to plan how to answer that.

that frat guy
i met him at some bar. he introduced himself to me and i don't usually get in typical situations. i have always been in bars but i was always with a throng of people. when i go to bars, i know i want to have fun, but i never entertained the idea of talking to strangers and chatting with them like forever as if you met your soulmate. it's just not my idea of starting my lovelife. i always imagined it to be in some tourist spot or in some convention but never in a bar! anyway, i met him in the gym two days later and it suddenly deemed to me that it could be destiny! we've been chatting like crazy for the nights that followed and he even asked me to join his singles for christ group. and would you believe that i actually attended some sfc meetings? i was like: this is the man that will change me forever. he will bring me close to God and we will have a good family foundation centered on Christian values. he's a good cook and he said he can go to my place and cook for me one weekend. and my planning abilities worked again: i could see myself getting delighted by his delicacies, literally and figuratively.
what actually happened: we lost touch after i forgot to answer his calls since i was too busy at work. he never cooked for me. he has a gf in hk, this i found out after he told me casually when we were going out. and he still owes me 300 dollars.

the guy whose name means universal
with my misfortunes from the guys above, you think i would have learned my lesson? you think i should have realized that i will die alone because i will keep on planning my love story and they end up getting unstarted and before i realized they are committed to somebody else already? probably not. another plan would not hurt. my fantasies have been crushed lots of times in my short stay in hk, so another stab shouldn't mean the end of the world. i should be numb to disappointments, shouldn't i? the difference with this one is that he actually liked me, and i could plan as much as i could. and who knows? maybe something better can transpire than what i had bargained for. and indeed it did. he moved me in so many different ways(yet most of these are very cliche.) but i dont know, this one is too good to be true. i imagined us getting married. but my plans were to have a prenuptial agreement where i claim half his fortune when i divorce him because he got too adulterous or unloving. but there are good plans as well: i know he's too hardworking so i see myself learning to cook so he can have a warm home cooked meal after a long day's work. i also see us groping in bed on a saturday evening because we rejected our friends' invitation for a night out (we both loved partying on a weekend) because we prefer to spend quality time together.
what actually happened: he ran off without properly saying goodbye. he calls me once in a blue moon and the last time he called he said that there's a possibility that he can go back to hk for good.




and i guess i reached the point where i got so fed up with having nothing after all these made-up scenarios. these feelings were true. i just didn't make them up. these are really good guys and i'd be happy if any of these fantasies happen. i don't plan any thing with the balding guy who lights his cigarette in front of the city plaza every seven in the evening.

but i guess that's how i know that im alive. im a pure masochist and one of my favorie lines in a song comes from goo goo dolls' iris: you bleed just to know you're alive. i think i agree with them: human life is all about disappointments. it's like a 1:10 ratio when it comes to triumph and disappointments. the best way to reap the fruits of your hardship and waiting is to undergo lots of disappointments. like i said why i loved photography: it only takes one shot to make it all worthwhile.

so ill continue planning when i meet another prospect. ill be as zestful as ever. i get more courageous every day and perhaps i can get the needed push to make things happen for once.

gosh, i cant believe i wrote a very long post because of my desperation! haha!