this is a boring post, believe me. don't say i didn't warn you.

my friend recommended that i listen to the song "sundo" by imago. and i was so mesmerized. i lurve imago. i kept listening to their take 2 album. my faves there were "freefall", "taning" and the timeless "akap". there was even a time when i listened to akap for 8 hours straight. and i still listened to it the following day.
i didn't know that they have a new album, so i hurriedly searched sundo in youtube.
hands down.

now to the senti part. thanks to the songwriter, i came up with some realizations.

it talks about one person trying to fetch the one that she deeply loves after scouring the edges of the earth so they can go back home together.

love.
home.
together.


eversince i was a kid, i have always been depending on myself. i haven't experienced any life lessons from my parents. hell, they never intervened in my studies ever apart from paying my tuition. my mother only pressured me to master multiplying six digits by six digits when i was six years old and that was it. my father only taught me to avoid eating shrimp paste when with other people since it's too unfeminine and that was it.


i learned to be on my own on that unlucky day of june 1988. imagine an innocent five year old kid going to her first day of school without somebody to take her to her classroom and to face the bullies and unfriendly teacher because her mother is too shy and scared to mingle with other parents for they might speak to her in english and she wouldn't know how to respond. i learned that i needed to be tough to get by. or the world would just eat me alive. in a dog eat dog world, you need to appear strong so they don't cross you. i learned to deal with life that early.

but please note that i don't hate my parents for not giving me and my younger sister what ordinary kids should feel and have. we weren't a very showy family afterall.

i am frustrated (but not blaming them) because we never learned how to value the undeniable fact that it is a big relief to put defences down. i have always been putting this big protective wall so others don't see that i have a lot of shortcomings. they cannot see that i am weak. they can tear me apart, and i don't think there isn't much left of me after that.

i've been longing to go to a place to call home. a place where i won't feel scared. a place where i can feel like i do not have to present achievements all the time. a place where disappointments are non-existent. a place where i can just be myself. a place where i can enjoy my youth without much responsibility to be a role model or to be a grateful daughter.

and this affected my relationships with others. i tried relaxing a few times but i ended up getting devastated more than ever. i kept on ditching (well most of the time im the one getting ditched) would-have-been-long-lasting relationships. i may have ended up with some wrong people, but if i meet great but will later turn out to be unworthy ones, i definitely have a problem. one of them told me that i am unconvincingly showing that i am tough to make it look like im a good find, but i still end up scaring people away. and i think she is partially right. how can i expect others to love the whole of me when im obviously broken?

i appear cool, carefree, caring, and giving. that's been my reputation. but a few people who know me well can see in my eyes that i have always been this five year old kid scared of the world hopelessly looking out to window checking if her mother miraculously comes to her senses to fetch her. and her mother never did.

no one did.

im tired of playing this role.

now, can somebody fetch me and take me home?