i am at my best element when...

i take photos.

masaya ako or malungkot, may pera o wala, mataba or mataba (sorry di na kase ako payat ever)... pagkuha ng litrato ang nakaka-ayos ng buhay ko.. super sarap ng feeling ng wala kang iniitindi kundi pano makakuha ng magandang pictures..

i had a great time when i was in vietnam because all i did was take photos.. now that i am going through this helluva break-up, i guess all i really need is a long weekend of photo taking. being away from it all.

im going to an area in china which i have been planning to go to for years. it's now or never. go go go guilin! i just hope i get a bus ticket later!

di ko pa nalalabhan ung bag na ginamit ko sa vietnam pero gagamitin ko na ulit! ang saya! kagabi ko lang napagdesisyunan... mga bandang alas onse ng gabi.. kaya mega empake ako hanggang alas 4 ng umaga.. mas maigi na to.. kesa mag-isa ako sa bahay at nakatunganga habang umiiyak.

haaay... being single sucks... but it also got its perks. :)

awwww...

my mother called me this morning:

m: ano som, musta ka na?
b: ok lang. bakit?
m: ba't ganyan boses mo? umiiiyak ka pa din?
b: e ginising mo kaya ako
m: ano, pengeng number ni b. pagalitan ko.
b: ano ba, para kang sira. wala na. ok na ko.

kahit hindi ako ok.. in fairness to my nanay, concerned naman sya. si b ang una kong nakarelasyon na inamin ko talaga.. kaya medyo affected din sila na natapos na.

it's nice to know na concerned nanaj ko saken. awwww. :)

it's over

so we've finally broken up. this time it's for real. this time it's final.

we dont talk. we rarely text. i removed his pictures from my bed. i un-friended him in facebook.

but he's still here in my heart. i still think about him every minute. i still love him.

i cry. oh you have no f*cking idea how i cry every night. i know it's cursed right from the start and it should be a relief to finally end it. you know it's not meant to last. seriously, do you ever think it will be us in the end? well i kinda hoped that that would be the case but i guess it is just not meant to be.

i was actually the one who called it off at first. i saw a wedding video and i felt sorry for myself that i am even prohibited from thinking about that. here i am with the love of my life but no dreams of going farther. blame me for watching too much romantic comedies but i am expecting a scene where the boy begs for forgiveness for making her not deserving of a nice wedding. then tells the girl that he cannot live without her. then promises to settle all legal issues and all will be well by the following year. it didnt happen. the next line that he uttered would be: can we still be friends? then he agreed to the break up without having second thoughts.

it is more of a bruised ego. if you've given up everything and the person could not even fight for you, would it not shatter your world? i know love is supposed to be unconditional but what the heck, his family does not even know my existence. he cannot even tell his friends whenever we bump into them that i am his girl, not even to his ugly ex gf's.

but in all fairness to him, he has been a very good bf in more ways than none. not the ideal but he got that rockstar-man of the house- outdoorsy persona that you'd admire him.

how many heartbreaks can a person take in a lifetime? maybe my mother got it right the first time (she married her first boyfriend) and all the bad luck of failed relationships all went down to her children. life is never fair.

now im back to square 1.. i am seriously getting tired of this game. how many more people shall i share my childhood, quirks, pet peeves and dreams? how many more people shall i surprise with what-nots? how many people shall i introduce to my family? how many more people to love then forget?

pota...

magpapagupit na ko promise! ung katulad ng kay basha sa one more chance!

chicago the musical

let's give life to this cemetery-ish blog of mine.. im still alive afterall.. what better way to re-live my blog than telling stories about the 'chicago' musical experience? it is effin' epic that even if i am seated at the farthermost aisle i still feel every scene. i watched the movie a few years ago but i was too young back then to appreciate musicals.

now watching it on stage with an increased level of viewer maturity -- i would have to give it one million thumbs up. super duper like. super duper love. you know it's going to be spectacular when they did 'all that jazz' with utmost perfection. they did not fail my expectations and i am glued to the story until the end. it's by far my most favorite musical.

i should keep watching musicals until my money runs out. musicals for the win! now time to save up for 'grease'.

so... after 3 months im back.

when you're lonely, you blog.

i cannot believe i even thought of getting a tattoo saying 'im contented' at this age. twenty years ago i told myself that i am getting married when im 27. that would be the perfect age. i'd have loving husband that i am legally binded to, shall have a daughter, i'd have good savings, will have friends who invite me for events every weekend, and my parents wont get a hold of me, and i'd still look hot.

AND NOTHING'S GOING RIGHT. NOT EVEN ONE DAMN THING. in a few months i'll be 27th, and i dont even have the enthusiasm to go next building and workout so i can at least look hot.

what's happening to me???

i am sweating in this tiny room and if not for arrival of reah's brother, i would not be talking to anybody for two straight days. i spent my weekend marathon-ing 'how i met your mother'. it's one crazy show and if not for it i would not be exercising my facial muscles. my life is one boring hell.

i am at one of the lowest points of my life. i never felt this low since r dumped me. at least that time i had somebody to blame. but now everything's because of my own doing. i've been with a guy for two years and we dont even see us growing old together. yeah i know that youre in a relationship with the high hopes of seeing it last til the end. we have not gone to that point. i dont think we ever will. we know we are not each other's 'the one'. he's not lifting a finger to process the annulment and i plan my future without him. i am not sure if he's doing that because i got that line of thinking, or vice versa. we reached the point of being each other's male-female bestfriend that romance is non-existent end everything's just routinary. we lost it. we just stay because we've gotten so used to the things we do.

i got a higher paying job that only makes me work 5 times a day. it's still the same crappy job. just bigger pay check.

sorry my thoughts are all scattered. i told you my life is one boring hell. sheez...

new job

grabe super pagod nako ngayon. as in. after three and a half years of overworking, i have to immediately move out of my house and take care of all shemexes. three weeks na ko naglilipat at may mga gamit pa din ako sa old flat. you have no bloody idea kung ano ano na ang ginagawa ko palipat lipat ng hk-kowloon islands.

kwento ko muna new job ko. it's interesting, more tiring and way too challenging. but im somewhat excited. i dont know, maybe it comes with old age. all of a sudden nabababawan ka na lang being the more knowledgeable one in the pack. last time kong naramdaman to nung pumasok ako sa UP. i had a choice between staying with average minded people plus a scholarship, or be a paying student and compete with freshmen who came from more reputable schools. not necessarily compete, pero alam mo ung feeling na tingin mo super mas matalino sila sa yo at nahihirapan kang magkeep up? sila buong buhay nag-i-english, tapos ikaw panay english ang lowest subject mo nung high school. ganun ako ngayon sa new job ko. im working with super ambitious and agressive younger people. kahit alam mong lamang ka ng english sa kanila, alam mong di sila nagpapahuli at talagang gamay na nila ang buset na database na ang hirap i-master.

ito na lang iniisip ko: di baleng magpa-under ka sa kanila for the meantime. pasasaan ba't masasaulo mo din un. kesa naman habang buhay kang tinatanong kung kelan ginagamit ang 'sent' at 'send', or kung ano ang spelling ng 'equal'. seriously, magkakarespeto ka ba sa sarili mo kung ikaw nga ang pinakamatalino, pero ito naman ang kinukumpara sa yo?

at ito pa: i get to write and speak in spanish ALL THE EFFING TIME! as in! exagg, sobrang wala na ang spanish ko at kailangan ko syang i-revive. it's bloody scary, pero iniisip ko na lang... pasalamat na lang ako at nagagamit ko pa ung inaral ko ng apat na taon. siguro kung two years more na di ko sya nagagamit, wala na talaga. im enjoying writing the spanish emails so far. really.

at bago na ang flat ko. i feel bad that it's super tiny. i dont even have a decent place to hang my laundry. no extra space if i need to buy a washing machine or fridge. it's THAT tiny. i cannot even turn around when im taking a bath. it's THAT tiny.

but somehow i like it. it may be less convenient than before, but at least it's MINE. dati di kami pwede maglakad sa labas ni b ng sabay kase baka makita ng officemates ko at malaman na pinapapunta ko sya sa flat. dati kahit super pagod na ko on sunday evening kailangan ko pa din maglinis kase uuwi na ung housemate ko from shenzhen. dati pagpatak ng alas onse ng gabi, bawal na manood ng tv. pero ito, ngayon kaya ko na gawin lahat! as in lahat! un nga lang, kailangan ko magtipid ng koryente kase ako na magbabayad ng utilities. dati kase wala akong pakialam kahit buong araw bukas ang aircon, or nakalimutan ko patayin ang heater. buti na lang ilang dipa lang layo ng gym. dun ako naliligo 4 times a week. tipid din un sa koryente, tubig, shampoo at sabon. hehehe. malapit din sa library, so mas masaya! di ko pa nga lang napupuntahan.

so there... wish me luck! work's so demanding. my new colleagues work 12/hrs a day tapos naguuwi pa ng blackberry. pero kaya yan! positive. positive.