i wanted this blog to be all about my personal experiences - my laughs, cries, triumphs, defeats, joys, heartbreaks, exhaustion and restlessness. but i guess it's about time that i say something about what is it about being a filipino in a place where our nationality is more known for being domestic helpers more than anything.
i have been indifferent about how people perceive filipinos. afterall, im ultimately just me. im not defined by any race or color. i am proud on how i grew up. this blsm is a product of her family's love, the institutions that molded her, the companionship of true and false friends and how she adapted into a cruel world after all these years. i came from a poor family, and i struggled every step of the way. but then again, that's another story.
but allow me to say my piece on how it feels like being one. i am one hundred percent filipino afterall, however i try to be individualistic.
patriotism aside, i have to say that it is more ideal to live in hong kong than manila. i could never walk alone in the pinas after nine in the evening. taking a cab is as dangerous as walking alone in dark areas and you have to press your cellphone keys inside your bag. you use your backpack infront and you can never be safe in movie houses or parking lots. these paranoia i have long let go when im in hk. hong kong may seem conservative since it should still center on chinese values, but it is the most liberated, not to mention safest place ever. but then there are times when you miss the chaos of it all.when you fear for your life everyday, you could not be more thankful that you are still alive the following day. but then again, i still wouldn't exchange being sure that no one's robbing my flat at night. it's peace of mind we're talking about here, and i'd do anything to sleep soundly when i retire to my comfy bed every two in the morning. let's leave it at that. it'll have to be another story.
i have to say that i am being "liked" in my workplace now. they can see that i am becoming indispensable, and they treat me as somebody who isn't a junior even though i am still way younger than all of them. they have so much confidence in me. i came from the "gifted nation" after all. during our canton party last week, they asked me to sing and i gladly accommodated their request. i sang i will survive and flashdance. i was sensational to say the least. all of our clients, contacts and my colleagues were surprised on how i performed. they know that filipinos are good performers and i proved them indeed.
one of my colleagues then asked me why are we still mired in poverty while we have what it takes for any nation to succeed. we are hardworking, we have rich natural resources, we are confident, we speak perfect english, and we have beautiful faces. most of these they lack, but how come the philippines is still a third world country without any chance of getting elevated any time soon? how come we resort to being helpers or prostitutes when we know we have what i takes to dream for more, not that being a househelp is something to be ashamed of.i couldn't find the answer.
being a girl who cries whenever the phils' national item is being played solemnly, i promised myself to be one of those many expats who show to the world that we are more than what they perceive us to be. i take pride in being one of the key persons at our client meetings full of westerners and gladly reply that i am from the phils when they ask me how come i speak good english. i tell them that we have a very beautiful country if they are looking for a good place to go for vacation. i tell them that we are a race of happy and intellectual people. we always manage to smile at our lowest point, for such unknown reason. maybe we know that at the end of the day everything will be alright, so why fret about it?
at least in my own little ways, i tell them that we are still a decent race. but how can i change their perception if more than one hundred thousand filipinos sit in central walkways every sunday with their make shift cardboard and leave their rubbish afterwards making every venue look like a disaster area, or if another five thousand prostitutes walk around wanchai every night harassing foreigners asking them if they want to have fun?
it's just frustrating. can't they just flock at parks and ensure that they clean their rubbish? can't they just do normal jobs? there are still a lot of employment opportunities for people with less education if they are only willing to do real work. you feel like your personal movement is getting in vain when this is what you see.
and now i read in the news about joseph estrada's presidential pardon. i felt like crying upon watching the news when i was in canton. i participated in that rally six years ago to oust him. i know that i will be telling my grandchildren how i stood up and fight corruption. after a six year trial, he was finally convicted. only to be pardoned days later. that's plain bullshit! this is our chance to tell the world that we do not have a mediocre government. and they screw it up!
it's darn frustrating.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
bad habit that's hard to break
i have one bad habit that i couldn't manage to change. i was brought up this way by my parents. we are a family of freak planners. and i mean planning so much about the future that we get stuck on that stage and we forget about the present.
my father buys a lottery ticket and we plan right away on how to spend the jackpot prize - we plan that we will buy a house lot in forbes village and buy three cars and establish a grocery business. i plan as early as october on the things that i will buy after holiday season upon receiving my christmas gifts. i plan on how to brag to my relatives the achievements on january when graduation takes place three months later.
you see, i was brought up as a freak. we were taught (excessively) to be positive at all times. there is nothing wrong in dreaming, but there comes a point when it gets a bit disadavantageous.
let me share the recent planning that i have done in my one and a half year stay in hk. background: im too desperate to get into a relationship. i cant give any other reason. oh, and these all happened in my head. come to think of it, i could be a cheesy movie writer afterall.
tt-the crushee boss
as you may read from my previous posts, i have already planned how we will hide our supposed relationship in the office. i see myself excusing from the office lunch and he will follow at my apartment discreetly. and when im too busy, i will say "tt, not now, im working" (in my serious-yet-if-you-know-how-to-push-the-right-button-ill-spread-my-legs-now voice) when he tries to tease me by playing with my hair when im seriously working on my laptop (i dont even have a laptop!). and i imagined that i will charm his 'rents with my pinoy ways so they can accept that their son loves me, a non-chinese.
what actually happened: he never found out. he's now in macau working for an airline company and he goes to hk every weekend to see his chinese gf.
aj1981
i met aj1981 at pinoyexchange. he is one of the most accommodating persons in the pinoy at hk thread. and im sure that he was born in 1981. just the perfect age for me! i emailed him a couple of times and we agreed to meet up. it was the first most realistic kilig feeling. my fantasies with my boss are, to say, just fantasies. but with aj1981 i actually thought that something could come out of it. we agreed to communicate through our mobile phones but the lines are so bad that we resorted to emailing instead. and he said that i better try to call him next time instead of the other way around because "it's not proper".. i was like, how can it be improper?
what actually happened? aj1981 is a girl! darn! but she's my good friend now. when im too stressed out at my life in hk, i go to her place in macau to get that sense of belongingness. her family is like my foster family.
beaverman
he's another guy i met at pinoyexchange. i wouldn't make the same mistake with aj1981. and this is really a good prospect because he would be most likely a guy deriving from his username. he was inquiring about the cost of living in hk and i gladly replied to all his queries - something i don't usually do. i have never been a good source of information especially to strangers, but i was really determined to make this guy mine, even if i had yet to meet him in person. even if we're just emailing at that time , i could already see how i will tell our future grandchildren how i and their grandfather fell in love. i will tell them that i loved their lolo beaverman even before i had seen him! (pota, i just realized now how cliche my fantasies were!) wouldn't it be nice to tell them that you could feel right away that this person is the "one" for you? the feeling was so strong at that time, and i could feel that this could be really "it". it felt like one of those days when you cheerfully wake up and you just know that it could be the best day of your life.
what actually happened: we became very good friends. he's like my first real male bestfriend in hk. we like the same stuff and we never run out of things to say. he has a gf in pinas. some people ask me why we never ended up together (how come they don't ask him instead?). i forgot to plan how to answer that.
that frat guy
i met him at some bar. he introduced himself to me and i don't usually get in typical situations. i have always been in bars but i was always with a throng of people. when i go to bars, i know i want to have fun, but i never entertained the idea of talking to strangers and chatting with them like forever as if you met your soulmate. it's just not my idea of starting my lovelife. i always imagined it to be in some tourist spot or in some convention but never in a bar! anyway, i met him in the gym two days later and it suddenly deemed to me that it could be destiny! we've been chatting like crazy for the nights that followed and he even asked me to join his singles for christ group. and would you believe that i actually attended some sfc meetings? i was like: this is the man that will change me forever. he will bring me close to God and we will have a good family foundation centered on Christian values. he's a good cook and he said he can go to my place and cook for me one weekend. and my planning abilities worked again: i could see myself getting delighted by his delicacies, literally and figuratively.
what actually happened: we lost touch after i forgot to answer his calls since i was too busy at work. he never cooked for me. he has a gf in hk, this i found out after he told me casually when we were going out. and he still owes me 300 dollars.
the guy whose name means universal
with my misfortunes from the guys above, you think i would have learned my lesson? you think i should have realized that i will die alone because i will keep on planning my love story and they end up getting unstarted and before i realized they are committed to somebody else already? probably not. another plan would not hurt. my fantasies have been crushed lots of times in my short stay in hk, so another stab shouldn't mean the end of the world. i should be numb to disappointments, shouldn't i? the difference with this one is that he actually liked me, and i could plan as much as i could. and who knows? maybe something better can transpire than what i had bargained for. and indeed it did. he moved me in so many different ways(yet most of these are very cliche.) but i dont know, this one is too good to be true. i imagined us getting married. but my plans were to have a prenuptial agreement where i claim half his fortune when i divorce him because he got too adulterous or unloving. but there are good plans as well: i know he's too hardworking so i see myself learning to cook so he can have a warm home cooked meal after a long day's work. i also see us groping in bed on a saturday evening because we rejected our friends' invitation for a night out (we both loved partying on a weekend) because we prefer to spend quality time together.
what actually happened: he ran off without properly saying goodbye. he calls me once in a blue moon and the last time he called he said that there's a possibility that he can go back to hk for good.
and i guess i reached the point where i got so fed up with having nothing after all these made-up scenarios. these feelings were true. i just didn't make them up. these are really good guys and i'd be happy if any of these fantasies happen. i don't plan any thing with the balding guy who lights his cigarette in front of the city plaza every seven in the evening.
but i guess that's how i know that im alive. im a pure masochist and one of my favorie lines in a song comes from goo goo dolls' iris: you bleed just to know you're alive. i think i agree with them: human life is all about disappointments. it's like a 1:10 ratio when it comes to triumph and disappointments. the best way to reap the fruits of your hardship and waiting is to undergo lots of disappointments. like i said why i loved photography: it only takes one shot to make it all worthwhile.
so ill continue planning when i meet another prospect. ill be as zestful as ever. i get more courageous every day and perhaps i can get the needed push to make things happen for once.
gosh, i cant believe i wrote a very long post because of my desperation! haha!
my father buys a lottery ticket and we plan right away on how to spend the jackpot prize - we plan that we will buy a house lot in forbes village and buy three cars and establish a grocery business. i plan as early as october on the things that i will buy after holiday season upon receiving my christmas gifts. i plan on how to brag to my relatives the achievements on january when graduation takes place three months later.
you see, i was brought up as a freak. we were taught (excessively) to be positive at all times. there is nothing wrong in dreaming, but there comes a point when it gets a bit disadavantageous.
let me share the recent planning that i have done in my one and a half year stay in hk. background: im too desperate to get into a relationship. i cant give any other reason. oh, and these all happened in my head. come to think of it, i could be a cheesy movie writer afterall.
tt-the crushee boss
as you may read from my previous posts, i have already planned how we will hide our supposed relationship in the office. i see myself excusing from the office lunch and he will follow at my apartment discreetly. and when im too busy, i will say "tt, not now, im working" (in my serious-yet-if-you-know-how-to-push-the-right-button-ill-spread-my-legs-now voice) when he tries to tease me by playing with my hair when im seriously working on my laptop (i dont even have a laptop!). and i imagined that i will charm his 'rents with my pinoy ways so they can accept that their son loves me, a non-chinese.
what actually happened: he never found out. he's now in macau working for an airline company and he goes to hk every weekend to see his chinese gf.
aj1981
i met aj1981 at pinoyexchange. he is one of the most accommodating persons in the pinoy at hk thread. and im sure that he was born in 1981. just the perfect age for me! i emailed him a couple of times and we agreed to meet up. it was the first most realistic kilig feeling. my fantasies with my boss are, to say, just fantasies. but with aj1981 i actually thought that something could come out of it. we agreed to communicate through our mobile phones but the lines are so bad that we resorted to emailing instead. and he said that i better try to call him next time instead of the other way around because "it's not proper".. i was like, how can it be improper?
what actually happened? aj1981 is a girl! darn! but she's my good friend now. when im too stressed out at my life in hk, i go to her place in macau to get that sense of belongingness. her family is like my foster family.
beaverman
he's another guy i met at pinoyexchange. i wouldn't make the same mistake with aj1981. and this is really a good prospect because he would be most likely a guy deriving from his username. he was inquiring about the cost of living in hk and i gladly replied to all his queries - something i don't usually do. i have never been a good source of information especially to strangers, but i was really determined to make this guy mine, even if i had yet to meet him in person. even if we're just emailing at that time , i could already see how i will tell our future grandchildren how i and their grandfather fell in love. i will tell them that i loved their lolo beaverman even before i had seen him! (pota, i just realized now how cliche my fantasies were!) wouldn't it be nice to tell them that you could feel right away that this person is the "one" for you? the feeling was so strong at that time, and i could feel that this could be really "it". it felt like one of those days when you cheerfully wake up and you just know that it could be the best day of your life.
what actually happened: we became very good friends. he's like my first real male bestfriend in hk. we like the same stuff and we never run out of things to say. he has a gf in pinas. some people ask me why we never ended up together (how come they don't ask him instead?). i forgot to plan how to answer that.
that frat guy
i met him at some bar. he introduced himself to me and i don't usually get in typical situations. i have always been in bars but i was always with a throng of people. when i go to bars, i know i want to have fun, but i never entertained the idea of talking to strangers and chatting with them like forever as if you met your soulmate. it's just not my idea of starting my lovelife. i always imagined it to be in some tourist spot or in some convention but never in a bar! anyway, i met him in the gym two days later and it suddenly deemed to me that it could be destiny! we've been chatting like crazy for the nights that followed and he even asked me to join his singles for christ group. and would you believe that i actually attended some sfc meetings? i was like: this is the man that will change me forever. he will bring me close to God and we will have a good family foundation centered on Christian values. he's a good cook and he said he can go to my place and cook for me one weekend. and my planning abilities worked again: i could see myself getting delighted by his delicacies, literally and figuratively.
what actually happened: we lost touch after i forgot to answer his calls since i was too busy at work. he never cooked for me. he has a gf in hk, this i found out after he told me casually when we were going out. and he still owes me 300 dollars.
the guy whose name means universal
with my misfortunes from the guys above, you think i would have learned my lesson? you think i should have realized that i will die alone because i will keep on planning my love story and they end up getting unstarted and before i realized they are committed to somebody else already? probably not. another plan would not hurt. my fantasies have been crushed lots of times in my short stay in hk, so another stab shouldn't mean the end of the world. i should be numb to disappointments, shouldn't i? the difference with this one is that he actually liked me, and i could plan as much as i could. and who knows? maybe something better can transpire than what i had bargained for. and indeed it did. he moved me in so many different ways(yet most of these are very cliche.) but i dont know, this one is too good to be true. i imagined us getting married. but my plans were to have a prenuptial agreement where i claim half his fortune when i divorce him because he got too adulterous or unloving. but there are good plans as well: i know he's too hardworking so i see myself learning to cook so he can have a warm home cooked meal after a long day's work. i also see us groping in bed on a saturday evening because we rejected our friends' invitation for a night out (we both loved partying on a weekend) because we prefer to spend quality time together.
what actually happened: he ran off without properly saying goodbye. he calls me once in a blue moon and the last time he called he said that there's a possibility that he can go back to hk for good.
and i guess i reached the point where i got so fed up with having nothing after all these made-up scenarios. these feelings were true. i just didn't make them up. these are really good guys and i'd be happy if any of these fantasies happen. i don't plan any thing with the balding guy who lights his cigarette in front of the city plaza every seven in the evening.
but i guess that's how i know that im alive. im a pure masochist and one of my favorie lines in a song comes from goo goo dolls' iris: you bleed just to know you're alive. i think i agree with them: human life is all about disappointments. it's like a 1:10 ratio when it comes to triumph and disappointments. the best way to reap the fruits of your hardship and waiting is to undergo lots of disappointments. like i said why i loved photography: it only takes one shot to make it all worthwhile.
so ill continue planning when i meet another prospect. ill be as zestful as ever. i get more courageous every day and perhaps i can get the needed push to make things happen for once.
gosh, i cant believe i wrote a very long post because of my desperation! haha!
Monday, October 15, 2007
effing shit!
in my delirious moments, i actually said that I LOVE MY JOB.
what the hell am i thinking?
well, i just realized that i was able to travel to 3 different continents in the last three months excluding asia. and i was always fortunate enough to dine at extravagant restaurants and actually do sightseeing.
and im learning a lot from every bullshit session as they call it.
if only they increase my salary, i would be thinking twice about leaving them in 8 months - which is an impossibility to say the least.
what the hell am i thinking?
well, i just realized that i was able to travel to 3 different continents in the last three months excluding asia. and i was always fortunate enough to dine at extravagant restaurants and actually do sightseeing.
and im learning a lot from every bullshit session as they call it.
if only they increase my salary, i would be thinking twice about leaving them in 8 months - which is an impossibility to say the least.
Monday, October 8, 2007
hay naku, i have another admirer
guys, pakisabi nga kay zac wala akong time para sa kanya. im so busy with work and he's too young for me. besides, i don't like ldr's. i've been in one and it wasn't easy. i know the thing about vanessa is just on screen bec of their show, and he was really mesmerized by my charms. but i think i have to let him go. i've got my priorities, and i can't juggle him with those.
HAHA! DREAM ON!
im ready to reveal my guilty pleasure - high school musical the movie! haha!
would you believe that i watch this every other night for two months now? never mind that there are so many goofs or loopholes in the story! or that the plot is as simple as tying your shoes! i love it. every second of it! i know all the dialogues and the songs by heart!
most especially zac efron. he's a living adonis! im so in love with him.
how about dreaming about a kid, who is famous in a kids' movie? i don't care! im still watching the movie tonight! just a glimpse of zac and i will be fine.
i love you zac! xoxo
stolen shot
who likes stolen shots? not me! when was the last time that i included myself in a tourist shot photo? in my last four trips abroad, i never had one. blame it on the photographer in me.
but i liked this photo from kuya tony's cam from the kjwan gig last saturday. it was originally a pic for marian, but i was included in the background.
forgive my vanity. this is the first time that im loving my chubby cheeks after months of uncontrollable gluttony. so might as well post it in my online journal. im only cropping my portion of the pic. marian may not be ready for stardom at this stage.
credits to the closet rocker kuya tony. ;)
but i liked this photo from kuya tony's cam from the kjwan gig last saturday. it was originally a pic for marian, but i was included in the background.
forgive my vanity. this is the first time that im loving my chubby cheeks after months of uncontrollable gluttony. so might as well post it in my online journal. im only cropping my portion of the pic. marian may not be ready for stardom at this stage.
credits to the closet rocker kuya tony. ;)
high dynamic range
my camera mentor dave is just the coolest! he asked to have some of my photos hdr'ed and he did a very fine job.
what he did was simply awe-inspiring.
let's compare them to the original:
here is one photo of some amulets that i took while in mexico city town proper:
and this is how it turned out when he did his magic tricks:
not much? well you can see finer details, and it gives you more creeps.
you'd be amazed at this one:
this is the photo of the mexico city fine arts theatre. it was a bit hazy when we went there and you wouldn't notice anything else apart from the theatre. you know the image is busy, but other elements are plainly unnoticeable.
until dave spent half an hour editing it. and here's the result:
it's so surreal! now you will notice the cars, the posters, the mountains, the flags, and all those little people doing their own business. the miracles of technology!
i want a laptop! i want to hdr all my photos!
what to do? im broke!
what he did was simply awe-inspiring.
let's compare them to the original:
here is one photo of some amulets that i took while in mexico city town proper:
and this is how it turned out when he did his magic tricks:
not much? well you can see finer details, and it gives you more creeps.
you'd be amazed at this one:
this is the photo of the mexico city fine arts theatre. it was a bit hazy when we went there and you wouldn't notice anything else apart from the theatre. you know the image is busy, but other elements are plainly unnoticeable.
until dave spent half an hour editing it. and here's the result:
it's so surreal! now you will notice the cars, the posters, the mountains, the flags, and all those little people doing their own business. the miracles of technology!
i want a laptop! i want to hdr all my photos!
what to do? im broke!
Friday, October 5, 2007
i wrote this while on board from mexico
To the one that got away:
I owe to you all the remaining good things about me that I am proud of.
You know the saying “love is all about bringing out the best in somebody”? It certainly was love in our case.
Do you know that I still feel blissful whenever I remember how you cried because you were so happy to have me? Do you know that I can still feel the warmth of your comforting hugs? Do you know that I am still sorry that we ended?
Of course you don’t. And I guess there’s a perfectly good reason why not.
tantanan na! magfling na lang habambuhay. hehe. ;p
I owe to you all the remaining good things about me that I am proud of.
You know the saying “love is all about bringing out the best in somebody”? It certainly was love in our case.
Do you know that I still feel blissful whenever I remember how you cried because you were so happy to have me? Do you know that I can still feel the warmth of your comforting hugs? Do you know that I am still sorry that we ended?
Of course you don’t. And I guess there’s a perfectly good reason why not.
tantanan na! magfling na lang habambuhay. hehe. ;p