kamatayan

my great grandma died yesterday. she was about 100 years old.

sya nagpalaki sa tataj ko bec his mother died while he was 4.

my aunt in the province called my dad last week, saying that his grandma seemed to be on her last days, and it would be nice to have her see him before she breathes her last life. my dad said he'll just wait for her to die and then saka sya luluwas...

ang mean. naiinis ako sa tataj ko for doing that. i mean sya ung nagpalaki sa kanya tapos ganun.. inuna pa nila inisip ung pera, ung tindahan, ung aso, ung xlt. i only saw her once and i've a vague memory of her. but sometimes, when you're bounded by financial burdens, you're just powerless. or sometimes, you just have a set of priorities. sadly, some people are assigned with lowest tier level.

but it got me thinking, pag kaya mamamatay ako, meron kayang mga taong iiwan ang present lives nila at luluwas ng pagkalayo layo makita lang ako for the last time? im thinking and parang iilang tao lang ang maaasahan kong gagawa nun for me. it's not about the drama, but it makes me scared.. im not really a lovable person, and i think if im gone, they'll just shrug it off their shoulders.

what if when im fifty at di kame magkatuluyan ni b? tapos di sya papayagan ng asawa nya na magpaalam man lang saken? what if im sixty tapos si bff nasa states at di maiwan ang hospital nya? what if im seventy tapos my younger sister cannot go to my place because she's bounded by a disease as well?

im scared of growing old.
im scared of being dependent.
im scared of fatal diseases.
im scared of being forgotten by people that i used to be so attached with.
im scared of death.