"the visit"

my bestfriend visited me here for two nights. i really missed her. i may pretend to be strong and not care about whom i left back home, but deep inside i know that i am willing to endure additional torture days from work if i can be given a few days to be with them.



since this is my blog and i am supposed to pour my heart out, i will try to be more personal in my entries. sure i derive a lot of satisfaction from posting my prized photos, but it will be nicer to share my sentiments about my inner and outer struggles.

so she asked about my life here. i didn't cry but i felt overpowered by too much negative feeling. it's like putting all your defences down. eversince i graduated from UP, i lived in a world where i am always the youngest. i always needed to fit in to the adult world. i don't have an excuse to act silly, to be ignorant, to be confused. and it wears me out every day. im a little girl with so much life yet too much responsibilty that i can barely become the bubbly blsm that i always am.

i am the sole breadwinner of my family now. i am obliged to give them monthly allowance enough to sustain their lifestyle. i do not have a problem doing it but there are times when i think of my own plans. i want to study abroad. i want to be unemployed for two months and just meditate in an isolated abode then read all the books i wanted to read and write an encyclopedia thick journal. i want to drain my savings and spend on a cruise vacation or europe backpacking. i want to join a UN event without expecting a compensation. i want to join a camp that lasts for weeks. i want to joy ride the visayan islands during the entire summer season. i want to be a full time swimming, flute, judo and tennis student.

but all of these are close to impossible since i have to work so my loved ones can continue getting by. a lot of people depend on me now, and im prohibited to think selfishly. accepting everything is not an easy task. i don't think i have gone to the point where i realized the sense of it all. but even if i don't understand the how's and why's of what is happening, there's not much choice, is there?



ON A LIGHTER NOTE...

i asked my bestfriend to buy me a dozen condoms. a condom can only cost you five pesos in the philippines, while it costs 20 dollars in hk. ridiculous right?! it's like they really celebrate procreation in hong kong.

anyway, like i can use them anytime soon! haha! if i don't overwork, i just rot myself in public libraries or in the gym. no time to snag a guy at all! i think they'd be expired before i can get a fubu. i couldn't get more honest and blatant than this!. please note that i this is the "other" me, the uncontrolablly horny and uncivilized me writing this entry. i'll be more sober next time. i am absolutely booze free. it must be all the food that the salvador family has been sharing with me.

i told her how i "flirt" with my guys. and she was utterly disappointed. she was like: blsm, you're supposed to be intelligent and signals like those from guys do not need a genius to be reciprocated. what can i do? i was never really acquainted to the art of flirting. will i still be a 23 year old unattached virgin if i can easily get a guy? sablay forever!

i can see myself adopting an innocent toddler when i turn 30. then my adopted kid becomes a rebel and leaves me for drugs during her teenage years and i am left alone to fend for myself until i turn 80.

life, oh life.