stupid! stupid!

after too much exhaustion from the hong kong fair, only 5% of my brain is working when i reached home at around 9pm on a sunday.

i couldn't get to sleep so i explored my pda. the wireless connection was unbelievably fast so i was more encouraged to do some net surfing. due to lack of sites to visit, i opted to revisit my yahoo mail folders.

there's this one particular folder that i shouldn't have created and consequently shouldn't have opened. it contains some mails from my ex. the reason why there's is a folder there in the first place is still a big question.

i cried upon re-reading this particular email, the most heartfelt letter someone has given me:

i felt bad last night bec of what happened..
between us,it seemed like having so much fun always has a counter-part fight in the end..
maybe one big factor that contributes to the fire is we're both tired and ungiving at the end of the day..
we always tend to commit mistakes by attack-counter-attack moves..
and we end up hurting each other..
it always happens, isn't?
and i'm not happy about it.
i'm never happy to yell at you like that..
you know me, it's not my ways..
i'm never happy that i'm hurting you..
i'm never happy that you're hurting me..
if we don't shape up and start confronting difficult situations like adults,
i think our end is near..
as much as possible, i don't want to see our conclusion too soon..
i've still so many plans for us and you're the same person i would like to share my life with..
but this chronique sickness of us just won't go away..
we're trapped in circles and i'm tired of it..

let's talk it through..
i think that's the only way to break it.

i hope you agree with me on this.
let's meet half-way baby..


we broke up 3 weeks after this email. and my life went downhill eversince, romantically speaking that is.

a friend once asked me if there's a part of my life which i regret. i usually say there isn't anything that in the past that i feel sorry for, because if not for the bad experiences i won't be the person that i am now. true enough.

but if i were to have a time machine, i'd definitely go back in time.
i'd definitely talk it through. i'd compromise. i'd do anything to save "us".

God, i want to love again.