so tapos na kame ni A.
punyeta lang talaga. i've been with several bad relationships. may isang sira ulo, ung isa pinagpalit ako sa college bestfriend ko, ung isa may asawa... tapos eto. actually akala ko jackpot na ko. kase naman super talino, may itsura naman, ang ganda ng katawan, maalaga.. di talaga ko nagsayang ng oras na ideclare sa mundo na syota ko sya. pinakilala ko sa lahat ng friends ko, kahit ung mga di ko madalas kinikita. pinangangalandakan ko pa sa facebook. masaya kame. we travel a lot. we do different things. saka minahal ko talaga sya. di ako super attracted sa umpisa, pero it grows on you, you know. and i guess that's the type of love that we're expecting to last.
pero deep inside di pala kame masaya. di pala sya masaya. actually nararamdaman ko naman dati pa. alam mo ung napapansin mong di na madalas magmessage, tapos pag nagkita kayo di mo na maramdaman na namiss ka nya. and the intimacy level, sobrang baba talaga. it's like we do things at the same time, but not together. gets mo? kumakain kame ng wala man lang pinag-uusapan. We don’t even kiss that much. basta iba.
alam mo matiisin akong tao when it comes to relationships. sobrang forgiving ko pa. kase ang motto ko: hangga't may konting love, kahit 0.0001% na lang, ipaglaban mo. wag ka bibigay. You don’t want to look back a few years later thinking what if you give it one last try. madalas ako magtampo pero after 1 hour nakalimutan ko na yun. kase di talaga ako nagtatanim ng galit. kase alam ko mahal kita, and i will hold on to that... bumibigay lang ako pag nafeel kong ako na lang pala ang lumalaban. siguro dahil dito kaya i always end up with jerks. or maybe good guys that felt they can get away with it if they do a jerky thing for once.
so tapos na kame. actually ang pangit lang ng dahilan. Una ayaw nya sa friends ko. Na di ko din maintindihan kase welcome na welcome naman sya sa Group. Sabi nya meron daw iba na di sya gusto, pero naman di ba kahit naman saang magbarkadahan merong mga tao na di ka feel pero civil kayo. Actually wala naman akong nakikitang nangeexclude sa kanya, pero iba siguro kung yun na yung nasa isip nya sa umpisa pa lang. We are the most inclusive Group that you will meet. Tapos my friends love me too much that they will love any one that matter to me. Di ko talaga maintindihan bakit sya naiinsecure sa group… na technically part sya. Minsan naiinis nako na nagagalit sya na kesyo di daw sya personally ininvite pag may event (sinabihan ko na sya nyan ha). Nakakainis kase parang paimportante. He’s a rightful member of the group pero di naman ako nagkulang na balitaan sya on time. Sa isang chat group 10 lang ang pwedeng participants. Syempre ang mga couple ang dapat magsacrifice ng slot kase understood na yung partner nya ang magbabalita sa kanya. May 2 couple na ganito and there wasn’t a complaint from them. Saka sa totoo lang, kung ikaw ba ang dadating sa group di ba ikaw ang mageeffort? My friends have been reaching out and I thought they’re ok pero di pala for him. Pag pupunta ka sa bagong school, di ba ikaw magaadjust? The school will not adjust for you. It will just create an environment that’s conducive for you, but you still need the guts, less pride and more compromise to make it work.
Pero ang pinaka-fucker na dahilan is ung iregard ako as distraction/inconvenience sa pag-aaral nya. E punyeta kung ganun din lang pala, sana di ka na nanligaw di ba? Para namang di sya estudyante nung nakilala ko sya. He’s the most serious person i know. As in lahat kinocompute. Lahat may dahilan. Lahat nakabudget. Pero ito hindi nya naforesee? Kase di ba kung di mo naman pala kaya wag ka na magsyota. Sabi nya nagpunta sya ng HK para mag-aral hindi para magsyota. The fuck lang di ba? Una isa nakong mistake, isa pa kong tangang umaasa na kasama ko sa future nya. Papa Jesus, sablay naman binigay mo, ano ba yan.
Akala ko nagsimula lang to dahil di ako naggood morning. I thought ang babaw. I know love stories almost always end up in shitty endings, but I don’t want it to be as petty as forgetting to greet. Pinuntahan ko pa sya sa dorm nya para iconfront. All along pala he just does not see me that way. Not even worth the try to make it work. Sabi nya at least ako I have friends to get me through this, sya alone. And seriously I didn’t feel sorry for him regarding this, not one bit. Not primarily because he’s the one who’s causing me the pain. But because he brought this to himself. If you’re too busy earning a degree or monetizing everything you see, then what’s the point of life? Isn’t life meant to be spent with friends and family, go out into the world, meet people who will amaze (and hurt) you? Ako when I die tomorrow di nako magrereklamo pag nameet ko ang supreme being (kung meron man). I lived and loved to the fullest. I would not ask for extension kase sayang naman ung milyones ko sa bangko na di ko ginamit because I was too busy saving, or to tell someone I loved him/her. Siguro kaya di rin kame naglast kase di kame pareho ng outlook sa buhay. He’s a realist. I’m a dreamer.
But I have to say that would be 4 months well spent. It’s the shortest relationship I had, kase alam mo naman ako talagang nilolong term ang mga bagay bagay. Dito lang talaga naging forced short term. Ang dami naming nagawa at napuntahan. Nag-China, Pinas, Europe, Malaysia kame. I sorta became a bit mature din. Ngayon naiiyak pa din ako paminsan minsan pag naiisip ko sya. Pero I’m just looking at it on a positive note. Things feel lighter now as I’m free and can be as spontaneous as I had always been. Aah, spontaneity welcome back. How I missed you.
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